My experiences with Kriya yoga meditation, initiation, and discipleship
“The antics (of the mind) seem to be like that of a monkey that has consumed alcohol, is then bitten by a scorpion and then again is possessed by a demon/spirit.”
-Source Unknown
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard someone say, “I can’t meditate. My brain just never settles down.” If that’s you, you’re not alone. That’s how I felt when I started to meditate too.
So far in this series of blog posts, I’ve described how I got into yoga through physical practices, my introduction to Kriya Yoga, and my first trip to the Center for Spiritual Awareness, where I met an enlightened guru named Roy Eugene Davis. This post picks up where Part 2 left off, at CSA, with my first attempts at meditation.
Inhale, exhale, pause… Let‘s go to the CSA meditation hall in Lakemont, Georgia, during my first week-long retreat with Roy in 2005.
First Meditation Experiences and Kriya Yoga Initiation
The CSA meditation hall is silent. It’s the most silent place I’ve ever been. It has plush cream carpet that feels good on your sock feet (no shoes allowed) and perhaps absorbs unwanted noises. It’s so silent that if you pay attention, you can feel the silence even when there are noises in the room like people adjusting their posture or clearing their throats.
There are rows of 80-100 straight-backed chairs, an audio booth, spiritual sculptures in cabinets and artwork on the walls, and a huge gong in one corner. On my first visit, Roy sat where he always sat, in a tall orange armchair, a microphone on his left and a small table with a bouquet of flowers on his right.
During meditation, it seemed like everyone else was perfectly still, but I was squirming. When I sat with my hips in the back of the chair, my feet dangled uncomfortably an inch or two from the floor. I couldn’t sit cross-legged because there were metal arms on the chair that got in the way. I’d brought a yoga blanket and block, but could not find a position where I could feel at ease and stay put.
Roy led us into meditation with instructions and sometimes a chant, but there were what felt like long stretches of silence when I would daydream or almost nod off to sleep. Even when Roy was talking, sometimes I just couldn’t pay attention.
I could not sustain my attention on my breath or a mantra or other technique for literally more than a few seconds. Even though I did not have the skills or brain muscles to focus yet, and even though it felt SO HARD to sit in that chair and watch my brain go in circles, I knew it was good for me.
I don’t specifically remember this happening on my first visit, but during subsequent visits to see Roy, I often felt that if I sat up tall enough and still enough in that silent meditation hall, I could insert the top of my head into the rays of peace and clarity radiating from Roy, and tap into them. I tried to be an antenna, thinking that if my brain were in the vicinity of Roy’s, it might help me meditate better.
That first week, I learned that on Thursday, we were invited to be initiated into Kriya yoga. I wasn’t sure what that meant, if I was qualified/ready, or if I wanted to do it. Monty hadn’t said anything about it. I found out that it was recommended that before coming to retreat, visitors read Roy’s book Seven Lessons In Conscious Living, in which he explained foundational principles to prepare for initiation. I had skipped that step. Oops.
I asked roommate Kathleen, who explained that I would learn some special breathing and meditation procedures and receive a blessing from Roy. Still a bit trepidatious, I did attend and participate in the Kriya initiation service, learn the techniques and receive the blessing.
What’s powerful about this Kriya yoga tradition is that it has been passed down the old fashioned way – teacher to student, teacher to student, face to face. That’s been happening for sure since the early 1800s, as we have the personal testimony of the gurus to rely on. I think it’s been happening a lot longer than that. Not only are the teachings passed down, but also the energy to wake up spiritually and to inspire others. This transmission of spiritual energy from one person to another is sometimes called shaktipat.
Roy carried on the tradition and offered Kriya initiation to tens of thousands of people from all over the world during his lifetime, and that Thursday, I was one of them.
Some details of that day are not clear for me; others I will never forget. On future visits, Kriya initiation was scheduled for the morning. I think it may have been in the evening my first time because I have a clear memory of walking into the dining hall from the meditation temple, and thinking, “No. I do not want to chit-chat over dessert.” I wanted to be alone and quiet.
I went back to my hot room in the little blue house. I didn’t sleep much that night. I sat up in my bed near the window. I remember a sensation like when you come into the shade after being in bright sun. When you close your eyes, you still see splotches and splashes of red-orange light on the inside of your eyelids. That’s what I felt was happening in my brain. I sat up and tried to use my beginner meditation skills to watch the lights.
I’m tempted to assign meaning to that experience….Could it have been shaktipat? Was I feeling the spiritual energy transmitted by Roy? Was I overheated from sleeping all week in the hot unventilated room? Or was it the random firing of neurons? Wishful thinking that I had been transformed in some way?
At the time, I didn’t know what was going on, and I don’t think I’ll ever know. Roy always told us to disregard “mental phenomena” like lights and visions. He told us to go beyond them to experience pure existence being, our true Self.
Whether the initiation night experience was triggered by shaktipat doesn’t really matter. I did leave CSA that week inspired and motivated to follow Roy’s instructions to meditate and live righteously.
I was not a perfect student, but I did my best to follow Roy’s teachings and example for the next 14 years.
My Ups and Downs as a Disciple
After that first trip and every trip to Roy’s, I felt the fire. I would be so fired up that I would wake at 5 am or earlier to meditate. I felt that waking up spiritually was the most important thing I could do, or at least I felt that way 30 minutes a day. It helped that I was teaching hatha yoga, and even though most of my students didn’t come to class for meditation and spiritual growth, at least I was in a situation to bring a little of my passion to class and hopefully inspire others.
I returned to CSA at least once a year for fourteen years, and sometimes three or four times. Every week-long visit, I was re-initiated, this time fully informed. Sometimes I would go down just for the Sunday service. It seems crazy to take a five hour trip to sit in silence with someone for 30 minutes, but I was always glad I did. Usually I went for one week retreat plus one weekend, and the three-hour holy season meditation in December. Every December he gave us a gift…his newest book, a magnet, a cup…all to keep us mindful of his message – that we are spiritual beings with unlimited potential. In between visits, I read what I could of Roy’s prolific writings.
From time to time, when a student or friend seemed interested, I would share about Roy and Kriya. I would pass on a newsletter or bring someone with me to CSA. A few times we hosted meditations at our house.
Then sometimes…life got busy. For about 10 years, I had to be at work at 6 or 7 am. There was not as much volatility, travel, and excitement as the earlier stage of my life. It was a steadier time. I was centered on making a living, building my experience and credibility in my field, and building a life at home. If I had to sum up my yoga story in just a few words, Part 1 would be PLAY, and Parts 2 & 3 (this one) would be WORK.
I went through phases when I only meditated a few minutes, or not at all. Roy’s newsletter sat unopened on the kitchen table for weeks. I thought I was too busy. I see now that besides work, my thoughts and hours were full of things that felt important then but just don’t seem like priorities anymore. I felt like my spiritual practices were separate from the rest of life, and I’d get back to them as soon as I could.
I wish I could say that I met Roy and then my whole life centered on my spiritual growth. I wish I had immediately put into practice what he taught us- that ALL of life is spiritual practice! I wish I could say that I followed the advice Yogananda gave him, and he gave us:
“Read a little.
Meditate more.
Think of God all the time.”
I saw other student-disciples for whom that was the case or it seemed to be. They had an instant knowing that Roy was their guru, and something clicked inside them to follow through on the practices with consistency and to live with devotion every day. I longed to feel what they felt, but I didn’t. I definitely did what I could, but I see now that I wasn’t ready to take in everything that Roy had to give.
You may be thinking that I’m too hard on myself. While I went through times that the former Catholic in me felt guilt over not being a “good enough disciple,” I’ve let that go. Now I see that I was evolving in my own time. It takes effort to train the mind onto a new pathway, and I see that I have made progress.
I won’t say meditation is easy, but it is easier and more enjoyable now. I am calmer and a little bit wiser. I am more devoted and committed to spiritual growth than ever before. My Hatha yoga teacher Lillah said that yogis are beginners for the first 20 years. If that’s true, I’m on the cusp of being an “advanced beginner.”
I was right about something…that feeling of being an antennae in the meditation hall. Roy told us that when Yogananda was alive and even after he wasn’t, Roy was attuned (tuned in) to his guru’s energy. Even though I was not a perfect disciple, I must have absorbed some shaktipat just by being in the room to receive the darshan, reading the books, and meditating the best I could.
I know I picked something up because here I am, seventeen years later, tears of gratitude welling up as I write. I am so grateful. I’m writing this down because I have been blessed, and I want to pass it on. I feel Spirit-led to write about it.
Transitions
Roy made his mahasamadhi on March 27, 2019. Mahasamadhi is what it’s called when a great yogi leaves his physical body intentionally and consciously. I wasn’t present to attest to that, of course, but based on how Roy lived, most of us assume that he did go that way.
Monty told me about Roy’s transition a day or two later. It took my breath away. I gasped and sobbed as it sunk in. I honestly had not ever thought about life without Roy. I never thought about his death until it happened.
We had decided to skip Roy’s 88th birthday lunch earlier in March because our old dog-soulmate Julio was sick. I was upset that we hadn’t gone. I felt lost. How would I continue without Roy next door in Georgia? Then I realized that he had already given us everything. Besides his volumes of writing, we had known him as a teacher and role model, and had been in his presence often enough to remember his peaceful energy forever.
During April and May, we mourned Roy’s transition (for ourselves, not for him) and said goodbye to our soulmate Julio. At the time, I didn’t see what was coming, but now I see for the rest of 2019, I was sliding closer and closer to the next phase of my yoga story – SURRENDER.
In Part 1, I described the annamayakosha – the outermost sheath of the physical body, and how my experiences with hatha yoga helped me understand and work with my body. I realize now that all those years with Roy were helping me begin the work on my manomayakosha, the mental sheath. Gradually, my views on the world and my life have shifted. His consistent speaking and writing of the truth have sunk in, and I finally see myself as a spiritual being expressing in my unique way.
In Part 4, I’ll tell more about the changes in my mental outlook, what I’ve learned about surrender, and what I’m going to do next. If you want to join me, make sure you’re on the mailing list.
Your Turn
- What is your reaction to this blog post?
- Have you ever met a spiritual teacher in person and how they did impact you?
- If you have a meditation practice, what benefits have you experienced?
- What was it like when you first started to meditate and what has changed since then?
- What questions do you have?
